Grateful: Yes, I am!
Being alive*! Isn’t it? Waking early, and jogging in the morning freshness: I find it most interesting that I still have chance to correct my mess. I still can be sorry to those whom ‘ I may have hurt! ‘(We all know, a lot has happened;in past)
Having mother*, who every damn time, yells me to take shower, and eat on time;to avoid bad health. And father*, who worries more about their daughter’s future than his own!
I can fill my stomach, and sleep comfortably*: when there are many who lacks it, not by choice but ‘not having a choice’. I find it blessed to have these.
My country is safe, and world is at safest*! It matters a lot, when others are happy, only then, you can be at ease.
Hope*. This is the most ‘beautiful‘ thing to have, in this ‘wonderful’ world. It is said it’s never too late! ;
How can five or six things consolidate your feelings? you are grateful about! Even writing this wordpress blog, I feel gratitude.
I don’t know if you have heard or not, but there is kutti Story song from Master movie a Tamil song sung by Thalapathy Vijay and Anirudh Ravichander, talks about momentariness like…
“…Life is very short nanba, Always be happy…. “
Hey! Open it!
You: Maybe, wrong!
‘IGNORANT, INTROVERT’
Once a guy, I was friend with told another friend that, “I am an ignorant person! ” Well, in front of me!
I asked, what was it that made him think like that?
He replied, because I didn’t talked back to him when he offered me pasta!
I couldn’t clarify him, that it was not that pasta, but I had my other problem going on in my mind.
Second I remember is:
When I came to live with my roommates, they avoided me at first. However later we became good friends, I like making friends. So when I asked them the reason, they replied, “you seem very introvert, not like partying, social- gathering type. “
“Really! ” It was a big shoot to me. As I am very sociable person, [I had whole class as my best friend, at school].
There were many such incidents, I realised, people can assume, Right or Wrong! We need to choose, whether we want to accept it or not…
Do I write?
“what’s so great about writing? “, anyone can do it! My neighbour exclaimed!
“well, I don’t write Sis! “, I replied.
“Then what’s about that WordPress thing, you showed yesterday? “, she asked.
“hmm, that’s a flow of feelings I feel, thoughts I think, emotions I enjoy… “
“Okay, okay, I have other works to do.Bye! “
“Bye! “I waved back.
coming back I wondered, why do I write? Whats so exciting about it? Why I can’t live a day without writing?
As my blog itself says:”Let thy mind that”
I write inner self exploration, something we missin this hectic world. Life passes as Time;and later we regret for not understanding our own.
I write to communicate, I am extrovert person, if not by sound, then symbols, writing any other way, but I like to get connected to as many people as I can.I have been writing diary from a long time, it’s just now I started showcasing others.
Why?
To know them, and let others know about them!
for me it’s a brand:which connects everyone everything, every part of Nature.
Dowry in a new envelope
“Dowry! What’s that?”
“We don’t take!”
“We dislike it, from the deep of our heart! “
These are very common phrases, we hear today, suits very well to the ear, who doesn’t know the meaning lying inside of it hidden truth!
From ancient times, it has been in practice,
In Indian history, Bimbisara got area of Kashi, by marrying princess of kosala. Akbar Got kingdoms by marrying jodhabai. And who said only India has this phenomena. In 1661 the king of Portugal gave Bombay, to Charles II Of England as dowry when he married the formers’ sister!
It’s not men, but women also actively participate in this play.
Last time I left my comfort zone.
Come on! I am not ultra human. I have my flaws as well. Just like many others I love having coffee on bed, watching n number of korean Or Turkish series! Yeah I love binge watching.
I dare not, organising my table; leave alone cleaning room. I have to hear mother yelling for messy clothes( Indian mothers are very emotional regarding daughters and their ‘ should be’ ‘ good habits‘.
In college days, I would scroll down wikipedia page to know a bit here and there, it was good enough to pass midterm semester exam.
If I define comfort zone: then it would be doing exactly nothing what others want me to do.
But it changed, my threshold of zone, needed breach of it’s limit. I was in existential crisis.
I was twenty-three:jobless, friends and others of my age, few of them were earning; others already had a future plan working; me, I had marriage pressure as well, what if I don’t find a good job before twenty-five;then I would have to be get married with anyone. Ah! The donkey dowry system.
In such situation, where there is a well behind you, and Cobra ahead of you; what would you do?
Exactly, then there is no rest, leave comfort and ZONE thing.
I had few entrance exams, into three phases, each phase having 0.1% or less success rate. I was afraid whether I would make or not? But i didn’t had a choice, I already had, 3 years gap after my graduation. There was no returning back, besides there were many criticising fingers, mocking my whole thing.
I wrote a line of Bhagwad Gita, nishkama karma; and that become my moto, I studied and studied, like never in past 5-6 years. I hated that, I cried a lot. I blamed God, destiny, bad luck, and what not! But I studied, I used to wake up early, and go to bed at midnight, every single mono day.
I never once went outside my house, I quit social media accounts; in one line: I did all I could do in those time;
Results?
Well I passed written exam, but didn’t appear for physical phase, I had health issues.
I have another attempt upcomig in 2022, few months left. I haven’t started yet, I have fear in my mind, but again no choice.
I realised, we don’t know our potential until we break our limit. We can never possibly understand what can be done? Just by putting a dashbord with a sign:
Don’t disturb: I am in my COMFORT ZONE!
A road trip I would love to take…
Re – path
I always wondered, what would be I doing, if I have the luxury to do anything!
And answer was, ” I want to travel a lot, visit lots of places, take pictures and showing off on insta, for sure! “
But if there were only one choice… Only one road trip, then I would love to…
RE PATH
Reversing my journey to all those places I have been. My birth place, I never visited since born, as my father had temporary job:here and there.
My sweet Grandma’s house, I hold adorable memories. After my father lost his job I spent enough time with granny, visiting her field, temples, making friends in villages, and bunking schools.
My first love, I remember crying hours, when I learnt, he loved my classmate, I was in standard three.
My Dream factory, where I begin to aspire big, read good books, study better, be a better person… Uncountable!
Those minutes of failure, losing self- believe; that cost me tonnes, in future.
Reminiscing first: cycling,dancing falling; I can write many books on it!
Oh man! I feel nothing is worth comparing: visiting my own journey.
Every person, thing, has its own existence; that one strives for, long for.
I always used to compare myself with others; however now, I believe each of us are unique: with our own Road Trips to travel for, and write about.
To my teenage self
Dear M
I am sorry, I really am!
I broke your dreams, with my stubborn nature. I am sorry, I should have warned you;
I hated when people talked bad about you, said, “you are ugly, dark skinned, stupid minded etc.”
I thought I was protecting you, by being what they wanted me to. I ran for the love which wasn’t mine, and I repeated this mistake again and again!
I wanted people to love me, accept me; and so I changed you: a people pleaser. Those didn’t even asked in these year, whether I was alive or not?
In this whole process of mythical LOVE I myself somewhere started hating you! For not being pretty, intelligent, rich, bad fated, and what not!
Oh dear, you can’t believe, how much sorry I am! I snatched your dream, broke it; //dreams: that made you survive in tough times. Trust me, I repent it every single day. I have become a living dead, since I lost you.
I regret it everyday! You know, I lost everything, by ignoring you: every person I loved, loved someone else! Friends left me, I cried day and night; all alone, myself; I cried so much that my tears stopped flowing and heart started aching; I couldn’t breathe! I hated my life; I am loosing my hope;
I feel like a caged bird, whose wings have been thrashed, body wounded of struggle, groaning in pain;but can’t cry help! Because it was her own decision to fly amid storm.
Dear M, I know you, so I know; you can’t forgive me easily, as I don’t do! I am ashamed of myself facing you, that’s why I am writing to you. I don’t dare ask forgiveness! Because I feel, what I did is sin; I didn’t killed a person; but botcher my own soul.
Even while writing, I can only think of your full motivational face, in hope: to shine, to be best. And all these memories hurts me, A lot! But I can’t think of anything else!
Dear, I am writing it in the hope if you read it, please! Hate me, hate me so hard that my guilt vanishes! These shackles of failures, guilts are suffocating me.
However since I am you, I can never lose hope for always.
You have been full of positive vibes, and good energy, if possible help me: this wound is not healing;
Write me….
I am sorry,
I love you…
M
shortisokay 