“what’s so great about writing? “, anyone can do it! My neighbour exclaimed!
“well, I don’t write Sis! “, I replied.
“Then what’s about that WordPress thing, you showed yesterday? “, she asked.
“hmm, that’s a flow of feelings I feel, thoughts I think, emotions I enjoy… “
“Okay, okay, I have other works to do.Bye! “
“Bye! “I waved back.
coming back I wondered, why do I write? Whats so exciting about it? Why I can’t live a day without writing?
As my blog itself says:”Let thy mind that”
I write inner self exploration, something we missin this hectic world. Life passes as Time;and later we regret for not understanding our own.
I write to communicate, I am extrovert person, if not by sound, then symbols, writing any other way, but I like to get connected to as many people as I can.I have been writing diary from a long time, it’s just now I started showcasing others.
Why?
To know them, and let others know about them!
for me it’s a brand:which connects everyone everything, every part of Nature.
Come on! I am not ultra human. I have my flaws as well. Just like many others I love having coffee on bed, watching n number of korean Or Turkish series! Yeah I love binge watching.
I dare not, organising my table; leave alone cleaning room. I have to hear mother yelling for messy clothes( Indian mothers are very emotional regarding daughters and their ‘ should be’ ‘ good habits‘.
In college days, I would scroll down wikipedia page to know a bit here and there, it was good enough to pass midterm semester exam.
If I define comfort zone: then it would be doing exactly nothing what others want me to do.
But it changed, my threshold of zone, needed breach of it’s limit. I was in existential crisis.
I was twenty-three:jobless, friends and others of my age, few of them were earning; others already had a future plan working; me, I had marriage pressure as well, what if I don’t find a good job before twenty-five;then I would have to be get married with anyone. Ah! The donkey dowry system.
In such situation, where there is a well behind you, and Cobra ahead of you; what would you do?
Exactly, then there is no rest, leave comfort and ZONE thing.
I had few entrance exams, into three phases, each phase having 0.1% or less success rate. I was afraid whether I would make or not? But i didn’t had a choice, I already had, 3 years gap after my graduation. There was no returning back, besides there were many criticising fingers, mocking my whole thing.
I wrote a line of Bhagwad Gita, nishkama karma; and that become my moto, I studied and studied, like never in past 5-6 years. I hated that, I cried a lot. I blamed God, destiny, bad luck, and what not! But I studied, I used to wake up early, and go to bed at midnight, every single mono day.
Library seat
I neveronce went outside my house, I quit social media accounts; in one line: I did all I could do in those time;
Results?
Well I passed written exam, but didn’t appear for physical phase, I had health issues.
I have another attempt upcomig in 2022, few months left. I haven’t started yet, I have fear in my mind, but again no choice.
I realised, we don’t know our potential until we break our limit. We can never possibly understand what can be done? Just by putting a dashbord with a sign:
I always wondered, what would be I doing, if I have the luxury to do anything!
And answer was, ” I want to travel a lot, visit lots of places, take pictures and showing off on insta, for sure! “
But if there were only one choice… Only one road trip, then I would love to…
RE PATH
Reversing my journey to all those places I have been. My birth place, I never visited since born, as my father had temporary job:here and there.
My sweet Grandma’s house, I hold adorable memories. After my father lost his job I spent enough time with granny, visiting her field, temples, making friends in villages, and bunking schools.
My first love, I remember crying hours, when I learnt, he loved my classmate, I was in standard three.
My Dream factory, where I begin to aspire big, read good books, study better, be a better person… Uncountable!
Those minutes of failure, losing self- believe; that cost me tonnes, in future.
Reminiscing first:cycling,dancing falling; I can write many books on it!
Oh man! I feel nothing is worth comparing: visiting my own journey.
Every person, thing, has its own existence; that one strives for, long for.
I always used to compare myself with others; however now, I believe each of us are unique: with our own Road Trips to travel for, and write about.
I broke your dreams, with my stubborn nature. I am sorry, I should have warned you;
I hated when people talked bad about you, said, “you are ugly, dark skinned, stupid minded etc.”
I thought I was protecting you, by being what they wanted me to. I ran for the love which wasn’t mine, and I repeated this mistake again and again!
I wanted people to love me, accept me; and so I changed you: a people pleaser. Those didn’t even asked in these year, whether I was alive or not?
In this whole process of mythical LOVE I myself somewhere started hating you! For not being pretty, intelligent, rich, bad fated, and what not!
Oh dear, you can’t believe, how much sorry I am! I snatched your dream, broke it; //dreams: that made you survive in tough times. Trust me, I repent it every single day. I have become a living dead, since I lost you.
I regret it everyday! You know, I lost everything, by ignoring you: every person I loved, loved someone else! Friends left me, I cried day and night; all alone, myself; I cried so much that my tears stopped flowing and heart started aching; I couldn’t breathe! I hated my life; I am loosing my hope;
I feel like a caged bird, whose wings have been thrashed, body wounded of struggle, groaning in pain;but can’t cry help! Because it was her own decision to fly amid storm.
Dear M, I know you, so I know; you can’t forgive me easily, as I don’t do! I am ashamed of myself facing you, that’s why I am writing to you. I don’t dare ask forgiveness! Because I feel, what I did is sin; I didn’t killed a person; but botcher my own soul.
Even while writing, I can only think of your full motivational face, in hope: to shine, to be best. And all these memories hurts me, A lot! But I can’t think of anything else!
Dear, I am writing it in the hope if you read it, please! Hate me, hate me so hard that my guilt vanishes! These shackles of failures, guilts are suffocating me.
However since I am you, I can never lose hope for always.
You have been full of positive vibes, and good energy, if possible help me: this wound is not healing;
Why should you, carry yourself, all torn out, with your mediocre life.
Life, where you thought,you can’t do it. Look! Time passes, whether you like or not. People will come and go; on their pleasure.
Nobody and nothing is going to be on your way. And this is the beauty of life
Everything changes, it has always been changing!
Let go, of your tiresome past, uncomfortable memories; your old self!
Go out! Groom a bit! Look for another opportunity; just don’t sit complaining, otherwise you would die same, groaning about your existence!
So, since you love yourself (honestly! Only you can love yourself with full devotion). Remove it, throw it out the window, far, far away.
Now, Smile! Look yourself in the mirror, and say” I am not the new ‘M'(name) ; and now I going to do it in my way, yeah, I am going to change, for my sake! “.
It’s been long, Days have been worse, I started with hope, now blurry.
This sea and ship, I believed, was mine. So I declared, to ride this tide.
How far, should I go? When this voyage is uncertain, And the storms are determined: To show their majesty.
Should I return back? As dark clouds are extinguishing, any hope of light. Wearing costumes of: a horror ghost, This little fear of death, dances inside me.
Should I wait? For these wind to calm. This cold air freezing me into white.
Hands, shall I pray! For God, “to come”, “save me”.
“What’s this! “, “I hear a voice! “ : Despair and dare can’t go side by side! I came to this journey, by my choice. Known of: what; how things can go.
This unmounted mountain of struggles, I were aware.
I came with zeal of exploration.
I accepted!
All that comes, On this way, To see that side, I started,me sailing for. Yes, I bow, to his mighty, But i will play with all my might. Yes, I pray, to the God, But to thank, for giving me chance.
shortisokay 